Corona Diaries - Born For This
23.04.2020
A couple of years ago I was talking to a colleague and friend about anxiety on the BBC Ouch Podcast. We both have and were working on a project about OCD and how we often felt wracked with worry even when nothing was happening. She commented that an upside to that was that when something big did happen she generally felt prepared to deal with it because she was always expecting catastrophe. I was surprised. For me, a disappointing part of my own anxiety is that I often melt into a blubbering mess when ‘the worst’ happens. The whole point of me trying to ward off disaster is that I desperately don’t want it to happen, I don’t spend time imagining how I’d deal with it if it did happen!
Yet, as soon as Covid-19 started to impact on our way of life I noticed that a large amount of friends who suffered from anxiety related disorders were coping much better than our less anxious contemporaries. The attention that everyone was paying to the level of risk around them felt normal to them and they adapted almost immediately to it. Friends who had always had concerns about the risk of illness spreading were well versed in the indoor/outdoor clothes scenario, in keeping hand gel on them at all times and popping a piece of tissue in between their hand and door handles. It didn’t require any extra brain space. Now people who newly felt overwhelmed by all the ‘what ifs’ were getting a taste of what it’s like to live like that all the time. I saw friends rejoicing that the stringent measures about keeping hands clean and not touching our faces or each other meant that, for the first time, they felt comfortable and well adjusted in society.
It’s essential at this point that I note that this is not the way everyone feels. Official figures show a rise in depression and anxiety during lockdown and that also doesn’t surprise me. For a lot of people this is not a good way of living. But for a few, the confining nature of the pandemic means that many of their anxieties are actually easier to manage. In a BBC Radio 5 Live interview recently Joe Lycett said that his anxiety had reduced during lockdown, saying that it’s perhaps partly to do with the idea that life has become simpler. Our bubbles have got smaller and we have to focus on the little things to make us happy. People are getting into baking, colouring, long walks. I think he’s right but I also think it’s to do with life currently being so regulated. When you’re quite an anxious person you’re likely to have to confront that every single day. Whether it’s that you struggle in social situations, or leaving the house, or standing up for yourself at work, so many of those things are less likely to crop up nowadays. You’re not going to be late for something because of ‘leaving the house’ rituals or have to think about how many grubby strangers hands you might have to shake today.
It’s ironic, in a way life has become scarier than ever while simultaneously becoming more manageable for some. For me, personally it’s a mix. In some ways I think I’ve adapted better than others. I like knowing where my friends and family are at all times, I like the simplicity of planning walks and dinners and the reduction of the pressure to always be busy and productive. On the other hand I think I would trade it all not to have to constantly read about people dying, not knowing when I can touch my family again and worrying about the state of the NHS.