Corona Diaries: Priorities
Over the weekend, walking through Kensington Gardens, I overheard the two elderly ladies behind me having a conversation about what to expect as we come out of lockdown. More specifically, they were discussing when and how Eastenders was starting to film again and, most importantly, how the pandemic would be affecting the storyline. While they made their way through all the options as they currently understood them I couldn’t help smiling at the comforting banality these women were bringing to the current situation.
Like many others I’m finding this ‘coming out of lockdown’ stage even more challenging than what came before it. Before, I knew the score. Stay in and pretty much anything outside of that is a no-no. Now, science seems to be butting heads with economics, common sense with outrage. Shops are open but are we supposed to go? Theatres are open but you can’t see a play. Support for the unemployed - particularly freelancers - is dwindling and people are panicking about food and rent. Is it okay for us to go back to work? We can visit friends in their gardens but is there a maximum distance within our own city we can travel to get to them? Hotels are opening but the road signs still say ‘essential travel only’. Already it’s crazily complicated and we still have a way to go. Every day I find myself struggling to make the simplest of decisions, weighing up whether a yearning for an actual supermarket trip will limit my ability to visit my family. Discussing the idea of actually eating dinner in a restaurant next month has become a bit of an issue between my husband and I.
As someone who’s invariably anxious I’ve been pretty proud of my ability to (mostly) keep it together over the previous few weeks. But that sense of calm is beginning to falter every time a new easing of restrictions begins and a raft of risk laden opportunities open themselves up to me. I veer between things seeming normal again and completely, hopelessly terrifying.
I’m someone who yearns for comfort and familiarity. I love the smell of clothes when my Grandma does her washing because over the 33 years I’ve been alive the smell has always been the same. I love hearing my parents voices whispering semi-quietly when they think I’m asleep - I heard it as a child and now, sometimes, if we’re travelling together and sharing a hotel room I do again. I listen to songs I initially hated simply because they’re now familiar. Of course I like excitement and new experiences too but my go-to is calm and cosiness. Safety. It’s not brave or exciting, and sometimes it annoys me, but there it is.
There’s a fair argument that the fact that the main concern of two old women in the middle of a pandemic is the Eastenders storyline is mad as hell and a bit of an indictment on our modern world. But at that moment their conversation transported me to a world where the drama in that night’s episode of your favourite soap might be the highest stakes issue of your day. And that momentary glimpse into that world was a breath of fresh air.