Corona Diaries: What?
I haven’t written one of these entries for a while. Probably because I’m as confused as everyone else as to what’s going on! At the moment I’ve got conflicting feelings vying for attention and I’ve been trying to work them out in my own brain rather than impose them upon others. Now, though, feels like a decent time to reach out and see if anyone else wants to talk.
On the one hand: the sun’s shining, we can see individual people at a distance and go for longer walks more often. After weeks of once daily walks of under an hour near to our home, we spent Saturday walking to Hampstead Heath, surprised my Grandma (at a social distance) who still isn’t leaving her house and saw a friend by the pond. Our dog Mabel was delighted at the change of scenery and we all returned home happy and tired. On Sunday we met up with my husband’s best friend and ate ice-cream at a six foot distance from each other while Mabel frolicked joyfully. I don’t think we’ve ever appreciated the ability to do such mundane activities before and I wanted to bottle the feeling of such uncomplicated happiness.
On the other hand, as wonderful as the weekend was, it left me feeling a bit panicked. Did we do it correctly? Are we understanding the rules sufficiently? Just because we can see people should we be? If I see local friends does that make it riskier for us to see our family? What potential damage have we caused? The growing fervour over a vaccine is filling me with excitement, but watching news stories about people in ICU is breaking my heart. I don’t think I’ve ever felt such a convoluted sense of privilege, guilt and fear at the same time. In some ways yes we’re all in this together, the virus doesn’t discriminate etc. In other ways, some people are just luckier than others, some are more at risk and so on - there’s a cacophony of unanswerable questions there, just as there is in life.
I didn’t enjoy not seeing anyone of course, but coming out of lockdown is harder. It’s so fraught with risk and a part of me wants to just lock ourselves back up at home and return to Zooming our loved ones for the rest of our lives so that I know they’re all safe. The rules aren’t as clear anymore. Some of that is the fault of our government and our media but it’s also just the way it is. Before, we knew that staying away from our loved ones was the best way to keep them safe. That’s sort of still the case now, but we’re also actively taking part in a process of helping to open the country back up - so it’s not quite as cut and dry is it? As shops are opening are we supposed to go into them or is it still better to keep ordering things from the same companies for delivery? Is that putting a delivery person at greater risk than you popping into the shop?
This sense of not knowing is scary on an economic/life plan level too. My husband and I both work in theatre which is looking to be one of the last industries to open back up. We’re not yet in a wobbly position financially but not knowing the future is messing with our minds a bit. I’ve worked for many many years to get a footing in the theatre world and before lockdown I felt like my career was finally picking up, something I’ve waited a long time for. Suddenly it’s all been ripped away and who knows if I’ll ever get back there. Should I be looking at transferring my skills to a different profession? Or should I double down and do what it takes to get the industry up and running again? What does that even mean? The list of questions goes on and on.
Added to that are the protests. The rise of conspiracy theories. The people I see on my social media feed purposefully flouting the rules. The furious editorials. They make me angry and scared and, most worryingly, can even make me start to question things.
I like to think I’d do anything it takes to ensure peoples’ safety. But there’s a balance forced upon all of us: in addition to doing that, we all need to make money, ensure people living alone or in dangerous situations are looked after, support our country’s small businesses and so on. Because of this multi-faceted approach, as we attempt to emerge from lockdown the rules are, like life, never going to be black and white.