Corona Diaries: Feeling Glum

03/06/2021

I read a piece recently by Jenny Lawson - AKA The Bloggess - in which she said that when she was anxious she read more voraciously but that when she was in the midst of deep depression she didn’t read at all. Reading for me, like for Lawson, like for many other people, is an escape and a distraction when most needed. It’s rare I’m fully connected to real life, whatever you might think of that fact, because I’m probably reading, listening to an audiobook or comparing the situation with something I learned in a memoir. I remember once biting into a fresh piece of fruit and thinking, “Yeah that’s nice but it felt more refreshing when I read about someone else doing it.” I appreciate how weird that is but I might as well fully embrace it, right? Despite this attachment to books, sometimes I too struggle to find comfort in them and, rather than seeing that as a failure on the part of the literature itself, it serves to signpost to me when all is not well.

At the end of each month, on this very blog, I write a wrap-up of the books I’ve read. It’s a way to track what I’ve been reading and my thoughts but it’s also a way to share favourite reads, my take on upcoming releases and even sometimes off-beat suggestions that might interest someone else. In turn I love scouring blogs, Instagram and Goodreads to see what others have been reading. This month though, when I sat down to write the piece (which I still will by the way if you’re keen), I realised I was off my game. Between hard copies and audio versions I’d only finished three books. For me this is a comparatively low number although I think it’s important to note that reading should always be about quality over quantity. I’m not suggesting that three books is an issue in itself. Hell, one well-read book a year is better than half-heartedly flicking through a dozen. But that’s the point here. As the month of May went on, even the quality of my reading diminished. I found myself turning away mid-book to pick up my phone, buying new must-reads and then shelving them immediately, putting down a sequel I’d been waiting ages to leap into and switching on the TV instead. I’d moan at myself for lack of focus, for craving the lazy consumption of reality TV, for buying so many books and then not even bothering to read them. Really though I should follow the lead of The Bloggess and take note of the fact that this disconnect, this disinterest in learning and experiencing the way I generally do, is usually the first sign that something is amiss. It’s a cliche but it really is the first sign that, rather than berate myself, the moment has come when a little self care and kindness might not go amiss. I knew I didn’t feel delighted 24/7 but it wasn’t until I looked at the books that I’d started and discarded last month that it clicked into place for me.

There are a lot of reasons why a month might be a bit of a downer for someone and that’s certainly the case for me and the month of May just gone. I do however think that part of my downturn in mood was quite possibly related to the upswing in our country’s Covid related fortunes (TOUCH WOOD PLEASE THANK YOU) and so, quite probably, not something I alone experienced. After waiting for it for so long, all at once there was an explosion of good news: vaccines approved, vaccine rollout going well, hospitalisations down, deaths down, things opening up. It was so exciting that it was hard to believe it was true. Even now sometimes I find myself booking a table at a restaurant and feeling amazed I have the option of sitting indoors. I do not want to diminish how wonderful this all is. It is so wonderful. I want nothing more than for everything to continue getting better and better. But I’ve written here before about the difficulties I’ve personally had trying to set boundaries that I feel comfortable with and I’ve seen and heard others in similar situations recently, trying to make plans with friends and family that everyone is okay with. Alongside that there have been the less positive things: the AstraZeneca side effects, the Delta variant, surge testing and rapid vaccination plans, the suggestion that step 4 of the roadmap might be delayed, the realisation that getting well-paid, consistent job opportunities might not be that easy. There are moments nowadays when everything seems safe and normal again and these fill me with joy. Then suddenly I’m second guessing every person I’ve met and every activity I’ve taken part in during the last week. Somehow the downs are worse when they’re juxtaposed with such recent optimism. It’s exhausting and everyone is experiencing it at the same time.

So yeah, we’re all pushing onwards and things are happening. We know people are embracing the good news. We see them at restaurants now, instagramming cocktails they’ve finally received from an actual bartender, heading off to football games and theatre shows and cinemas. Some feel like the pandemic is over, others are ensuring they have some fun incase it comes back and a few never believed it ever existed in the first place. We’re in a sort of limbo land, it’s nearly over but it’s not quite over, even though things are opening up again and social distancing is due to end, at least officially, in the near future. It’s been a really long time since life has felt anything close to normal and I think it’s totally understandable that not everyone is ready to step forward with uncensored optimism and an easily accessible sense of carefree joy. Some of us are tentative. Some of us ricochet madly between the two extremes. All that is manifesting in busy brains and an inability to know how best to behave.

I have no tips by the way, so I hope you’re not here for that if this is how you’re feeling, although I do send you my love for what that’s worth. I know I’ve said stuff along the lines of ‘We’re all in the same boat’ but of course everyone’s situation is different. Some people are good at living with this amount of uncertainty but many others need a bit of assistance to weather the storm. If that’s you, don’t be hard on yourself but instead embrace the opportunities to speak to others, friends, family, doctors, helplines, because that’s all there for a reason.

The truth is that no-one has any real answers. Even the government admits that, to some extent, they’re working day to day on this problem, waiting for salient information that’ll help make their next decision. I know that’s not very reassuring but I think it’s true. That said, while the word ‘unprecedented’ was bandied around a lot at the beginning, the world has faced pandemics before, governments have faced disasters and we have an incredible team of scientists leading us into the future. I do think optimism is the correct mindset, albeit cautious optimism, and I’ll be doing my best to practice what I preach.